Fast Sunday

Today was fast Sunday, and I wanted to record the thoughts and impressions I had.

I woke up this morning with an OVERWHELMING sense of despair, and inadequacy.  John and I did finances yesterday, and again our lot reared it's ugly head. I realized just how much this lot was sinking us, and how much we have put into it over the last four years, I thought of how different our financial state would be right now if we hadn't had this burden.  It has drained all our resources, just to stay above water, so we haven't been able to do all the smart self reliance things we KNOW to do, ie. food storage, saving, investing, etc.  We are just trying to keep our head above water.  We have contemplated just letting the lot go, but we both feel a sense of obligation to pay our debts, and besides we would still be left with the larger part on our Heloc.  My heart seizes in my chest when I think of how much we have wasted on this stupid lot.  We have prayed about selling it before and other things we should do, and continually we have been given a simple "peace" to not worry about it, to trust and things will work as they should.  That is why this morning's feeling was so out of the ordinary.  But as I prayed to have that feeling removed, I was taught some AMAZING lessons on Forgiveness, the Atonement and repentance. 

1- I was overcome with the idea, that just like we are over our head financially with this lot, and there is NO WAY we can get out of this bind/burden without the Lords help.  I realized that by virtue of our estate here on Earth, we are immediately indebted to God because of sin, and everyday that distance, or debt grows bigger. Even if we try to be perfect, we are not, we can not get out of that ourselves.  We need the Savior.  Simply, he asks us to try and to do all we can (like we are doing on the lot) but the bigger portion of our imperfections, he must take and atone for, because it is more than we ourselves can repay.

2- The story of the debtor that forgave a man a large debt, and then the man turned around and didn't forgive a man that owed him a smaller debt. i was reminded of our need to forgive continually those around us, because of how much the Lord has already forgiven us.

3- I thought about  the guilt and anguish and despair, and hopelessness I felt about the lot. I thought about how that feeling is truly one of a contrite heart, and the way we should feel about our repentance, and our dependence on the lord for deliverance. 

I don't know how our lot story will end, but it has been our own little university of learning and growth. It has taught me incredible lessons about gospel principles that I never thought about to that level or depth.
I hope I always remember the feelings I had this morning, so I can always remember, just how indebted to my Savior I am.  I am sure everything with the lot will someday turn out just fine....I don't know what or how or if we will be delivered from this burden, but I am more grateful for the eternal deliverance that I know I will receive if I ask for it from our Savior, and come unto him.  My testimony of the Savior and the Atonement grew a hundred fold today because of a stupid old empty lot.  Isn't it funny how we can be taught if we will listen. 
I was also taught today, that I need to serve more.  I am focusing too much on what we don't have, or how tight things are.  I need to share and serve others and the lord will extend our "cruz of oil" long enough to sustain us through this. We are not the only one suffering financially right now- we actually have been very blessed, and I just need to remember that.
The other thing I was fasting about was what did I need to teach my children, and as I talked to Josh today about his Faith in God requirement, it came to me.  I need to create a "Me" poster for each of our kids, where they list their talents, their dreams, their goals, their interests, etc. So that I can help them recognize what things they need help with also.  I will explain more about this after I develop the idea a little further.
It was a wonderful Sunday.  I truly feasted today on Spiritual things.